Miscarriage

As the ball dropped to close out 2018 and usher in a new year, I stood in a room full of people with my face buried in my husband’s chest sobbing tears that had been triggered by the tiniest detail…. The glass of champagne in my hand was supposed to be Martinelli’s. I wasn’t supposed to be able to drink champagne. Somehow, that glass of champagne flooded me with the memory from December 7, just a few weeks earlier. In a matter of seconds on that day, 2018 turned from the best year ever to the worst. 

As you know from my previous blog post, God spent the very beginning of 2018 asking me on a boat on the Sea of Galilee if I wanted my best for us or His best for us. Upon responding that I wanted His best for us, He spent the rest of 2018 reshaping my definition of good to be more aligned with His definition of good. He continuously showed me how to trust that his definition of good was infinitely better than mine. I know he did some seriously transformational work because on December 7, 2018, when we found out that we had lost the baby that we had waited so long for, one of my very first thoughts after “this can’t be real” was “God, I know you are so good.” 

I don't share this story for you to feel sorry for us. I share this to show you how good God is and how present He has been through this whole thing. For some reason, God wants us to be open with this journey, so here it is. "Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? 'Father, save from this hour?' But for this purpose I have come to this hour. Father glorify your name." Then a voice came from heaven: "I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again." John 12:27-28 Let’s rewind a little bit – 

On Friday, October 19, 2018 at 9:04a.m., I saw what I had been waiting almost 2 years for… two pink lines. My eyes instantly started pouring out tears of joy. I ran downstairs where my husband was praying, collapsed in his lap, still sobbing and somehow got the words out, “It’s positive!” We sat there for probably 20 minutes crying and praying, thanking God for answering our prayers and giving this baby to Him. The wait was over! That day, we went to my parents’ house and Josh’s parents’ house and celebrated with them that we were finally having a baby! 

Over the next few weeks, we told the rest of our family and some close friends. We knew that if anything happened to this baby, we wanted these people to already know. We celebrated this baby over and over as we revealed that we were pregnant. I don't regret telling any of these people. This baby was celebrated and so loved. I remember telling some of our close friends who were both pregnant. We got to take a photo of the three of us all pregnant together. We were pregnant as both of these couples had their babies and it was such a blessing to go to the hospital both times and meet these sweet baby girls knowing our time was coming. I’m still so grateful for that. 

November 8 triggered a crazy couple of weeks. There was a tragic shooting in our town followed by fires that utterly devastated our community. Days later, I left on a business trip to Taiwan, China, and Japan. I felt awful. I was super nauseous and unfamiliar places, time zones, and food did not help the situation. My overly hormonal self missed my husband more than ever before. He was still evacuated from our home and I felt like I had

left him in the midst of so much turmoil at home. The knowledge of what was growing inside of me made all of this bearable. Baby and I even climbed the Great Wall of China together!

Finally, Josh joined me in Tokyo and we spent 5 days exploring the city and searching for food that didn’t make me want to throw up. We treasured this time, knowing that it was our last international trip before we really became a family of three and life would change forever. 

We came home from that trip and enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving with our families and looked forward to entering the Christmas season.

We scheduled our 12-week appointment for that following Friday, when I would be just three days shy of 12 weeks along, where we would see our baby again, hear the heartbeat, and finally be in the “safe zone” to tell our youth group and church about our baby. We planned out how we would tell the high school students and the whole church the following week. Days away from these big reveals, all the plans were in place. We just had to get through this appointment and confirm that everything was fine. 

A few days before the appointment, I started feeling like something was off. My symptoms had all subsided and I had this gut feeling that something was wrong. I fought off my fears with lots of prayer and googling way too much to assure myself that all of this was completely normal.  I asked a few people to be praying for this appointment as I was worried and just needed to hear that heartbeat to know everything was ok. 

When we got to the appointment, I was filled with excitement to see our baby. We waited in the room, talked to the midwife about some details of the pregnancy and then she pulled out the device that would let us hear the heartbeat. She put the device on my stomach and searched around a little bit. She paused for a second, said she was having a hard time finding the baby with this device and would do an ultrasound instead so we could see where the baby was and then hear the heartbeat that way. 

I remember so vividly what the flickering heartbeat looked like at the first appointment. As soon as she turned on the ultrasound machine and found the baby in my uterus, I saw immediately that the flicker wasn’t there. My heart sank so far past my stomach it’s like it fell out of my body. I said to the midwife “I don’t see a heartbeat.” She responded “I don’t either, but hold on, let me go get a doctor so they can look. Don’t worry.” She left the room and the tears immediately started falling. My sweet husband grabbed me and started praying, asking God to save our baby. 

It felt like an eternity sitting there, waiting for the doctor. She finally came, did another ultrasound and confirmed for us that our baby’s heart had stopped beating about a week prior. The baby was measuring at 10 weeks and 1 day instead of 11 weeks and 4 days. The doctor left the room to give us a minute. As the door closed behind her, I screamed through my tears. Josh held me close and we sobbed together.

I was paralyzed… 

My brain was racing back and forth between thinking “this can’t be real” and “God, I know you are so good.” It didn’t make sense to me, but I kept repeating to myself this Truth that I was absolutely certain of… “God, I know you are so good.” 

After about 15 minutes, the doctor came back in to discuss our options moving forward. Because I was so far along and the baby was so big, we couldn’t just let the baby miscarry naturally. We had to schedule a surgery to remove the baby safely. The next week waiting for that surgery was torture. There was literally death in my body. In a way I had never known before, I was experiencing the result of sin in this world. As many people reminded me, this was not God’s plan for our world. Death was not His intention. I also had to be reminded over and over that this was not a direct result of my sin, this was not my fault, and this was not punishment for anything, but it was a result of the brokenness and sin in our world. As hard of a time as I had knowing that our lifeless baby was still in my body, this was my way of holding our child and I just couldn’t let go.  

I can’t accurately walk you through my feelings of the next couple of weeks, but I will try. Josh and I spent a lot of time crying together, talking about it, praying through it and then distracting ourselves with episodes of The Office. The surgery went well, and physical recovery was grueling, but the emotional journey has been unlike anything I have ever experienced, both good and bad.  Matthew 5:4 was constantly at the forefront of my mind “Blessed are those who mourn, for they WILL be comforted.” (emphasis mine). What a wonderful promise. They WILL be comforted. 

The outpouring of love from our friends and family was so comforting and overwhelming in a good way. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone, but the texts and voicemails were so helpful. Looking back, I see so much of God’s comfort through that time and still now, both supernaturally and through the people he placed around us. I never felt alone, not for one moment.  What I'm learning now is that grief is messy. Even though I'm grieving deeply and constantly questioning why this had to happen to us, I trust my God even more, knowing He is good and we have an opportunity for this all to be for His glory. I know that this was a life. A life that I will never know this side of heaven. A life that has purpose through all of this grief. 

Josh and I have been sitting in this pain and God has just come and sat next to us in it. Our God is grieving and hurting with us. Jesus knew that he was going to bring Lazarus back from the dead, but he still wept for his friend. God understands the pain of losing a child more than literally anyone else. Death is hard, even though we know that death has been defeated. God is hurting with us during this time, even though he knows and holds the future.

I often hear people say, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” I beg to differ.  The verse people are referencing, 1 Corinthians 10:13, is talking about temptation. It’s saying that God will always make sure there is a way out of tempting situations. It doesn’t say that we won’t be given more that we can handle. What the Bible does promise, in John 16:33, is that in this life, we WILL have troubles.  We have been given more than we can handle. I can’t handle this pain. If I am not relying on Him every second of every day, I fall into a million pieces on the ground. When the smallest thing, like a glass of champagne instead of Martinelli’s sends me into a puddle of tears, I feel utterly defeated until I fall into rest in Him. I can’t imagine going through this without the hope of Jesus. That same verse, John 16:33, goes on to say “but take heart! I have overcome the world.”

As with Job, Satan tries to use tragedy in our lives to trample on our faith. “The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy.” (John 10:10a), but that’s not the end. The verse continues… “But I {Jesus} have come to give you LIFE!” (John 10:10b). Joseph tells his brothers at the end of Genesis, “You have planned this for evil, but God planned this for good.” Satan is attempting to trample on my faith by literally placing death in my body. He planned this for evil, but no no, Satan… NOT TODAY! My God planned this for good.  So, take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul… My dear friends, He’s in the waiting. He's NEVER failing. 

I am so grateful that we were pregnant. I am so grateful for this little life, even with all of the pain and heartache it brought.  It’s amazing how much we fell in love with this baby even while it was just a fetus in my belly and that love will never leave. I noticed at the end of the year a lot of people getting reflective and posting their favorite moment of that year. Despite the pain, this moment is still my favorite moment of 2018. This is the moment we found out we were going to be parents...  People who know what we’re going through ask how I’m doing and my only accurate response is “I don’t know.” I don’t understand this. I never know what is going to send me to tears. But I think that’s ok. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be ok by now and sometimes I feel guilty on the days that I do feel ok. I’m moving forward in peace, knowing that I don’t have to be ok, He holds me.  No one knows how to perfectly handle grief. For a while, I was super resistant to get back to normalcy. I didn’t want life to go back to normal and it be like we were never pregnant. But I’m not going back to normal. Life is just different now.  We move forward changed.  My dear friend got me this necklace that is a wonderful constant reminder that I am a mom. Josh is a dad. Our sweet baby girl is safe in the arms of Jesus. 

Just like with infertility, people don’t talk about miscarriage. Well, I’m going to talk about it. It is not something to be ashamed of. If there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that God wants Josh and me to be very open with our journey to parenthood. I always knew miscarriage was a possibility with pregnancy, but it has been a thousand times harder than I even imagined it could be. Again, I don’t know how this story will play out, but I know that God has his hands all over it. Thank you for your love and your prayers and for coming along side of us in this journey. God is so good and He is so faithful. There is joy that comes from sitting in His comfort.  My heart hurts every single day, but I am simultaneously filled with hope for what He is going to do.  Stay tuned… ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Psalm 77:1-14 I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. 2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. 3 When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah 4 You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. 5 I consider the days of old, the years long ago. 6 I said,[a] “Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.” Then my spirit made a diligent search: 7 “Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? 8 Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? 9 Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah 10 Then I said, “I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”[b] 11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. 12 I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. 13 Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? 14 You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.